16 July, 2006

elmo's job performance review

Dear Elmo,

There is some concern in the McDonell household that you are not a “team player,” that your behavior is at times narcissistic and demonstrates an ambition that is incompatible with the cooperative and inclusive environment we strive for here.

1. In addition to frequently being featured in the opening sketch of Sesame Street, you have your own self-titled segment that dominates at least one-fourth of the entire one-hour episode.

2. Your sidekicks, Dorothy and Mister(s) Noodle, are all mute. Your attempts to seek input from others are at best “half-assed.” Ask a baby? Please.

3. During the counting segment in which “Elmo has a question fo-o-o-o-or yooou” you frequently display a blatant disregard for the official number of the day as established by The Count or his designee.

4. As “Elmo” is aware, “Elmo” only refers to “Elmo” in the third person – what is that about?

Please be aware that if these issues persist, we will have no choice but to terminate your employment as preferred monster in this household. Thank you for your immediate attention to these matters. Please detach and retain for your records.


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